10 Weaks to Climbing

Several years ago the guru of rock climbing training Eric Horst came out with an article named "Ten Weeks to Better Climbing."  The article was great, it helped Rockman and lots of other climbers get into great climbing shape.  Rockman is not in great climbing shape.  Here is the new training program for people who want to stay out of shape.

Weak #1-Get a job at a climbing gym-Nothing will ensure your success at failure more than working around climbing all day.  After eight hours of answering phones, questions, putting out fires and explaining how things work, the last thing you want to do is step onto the blue carpet for another couple of hours of training.  Often Rockman gets the comment, “Man, it must be nice working at a gym and getting to climb all the time.”  Rockman usually responds with a sarcastic “Yes that would be nice.”

Weak #2-Get Injured -If anyone reads the Climbing Narc’s blog, you will understand how nagging injuries will keep you from getting strong.  If Rockman climbs in the gym more than once a week, his shoulder feels like it will explode and he can’t sleep at night because of the pain.  You will have achieved Weak #2 when you can spout off Physical Therapy jargon as much you can spray climbing jargon.

Weak #3-Get Old-This Weak seems to elude some folks (Mr. Nimmer for one) but it tends be an underlying trend in the sport.  This sport tends to be dominated by folks in their twenties and early thirties.  While age alone will is not a single determining factor, it tends to tie many of the Weaks together.  The best part of this Weak is, you just have to wait for it.

Weak #4-Gain Weight-Rockman often asks folks when they ask about weight in climbing, "What’s easier climbing a ladder with one brick or twenty bricks?"  You can climb a ladder in either case, but it’s just a lot easier with one brick.  Rockman used to say it  putting on weight is Hyper Gravity Training (another of Eric Horsts training methods) but it only works if you can remove the weight before performing.  This is the tastiest of all the Weaks, butterburgers and custard will do just fine.  Is that a Kringle…

Weak #5-Talk about the sport-Rockman spends a good deal of his life promoting the sport of climbing.  Letting people know how great the sport is, how healthy it is, how safe it is…..Blah.blah,blah.  At some point, you just want to turn it off.  No talk about grades, routes, gear, jacked top-rope set ups.  You know you have reached success when you have told the same climbing story fifty to one hundred times.  Following Proclimbers on Twitter is part of this Weak.

Weak #6-Start a Climbing Blog-Rockman thinks the Narc will agree with me that Weak # 5 and Weak #6 go hand in hand.  Those that can do; those that can't blog about it.  The Narc can still on-sight some hard stuff though.  Maybe Rockman should blog harder if he wants to get stronger instead of weaker.
Weak #7-Become consumed with outside influences-Yard work,house projects, family functions,car repairs,what's for dinner, grocery shopping, and the list goes on and on.  If these things are regular topics of conversation or reasons for not going climbing you are on Weak #7.
Weak #8-Start another hobby-While Rockman's long board building is really cool,  it uses much of the space under his woody.  That really helps justify the non-use of his home climbing wall.  Almost anything can work for this weak.  However, if you want the best results, try to combine it with other weaks of training.  Rockman likes anything he can do while eating Jalapeno Crunchers.
Weak #9-Have Kids-Rockman loves his kids.  Rockman could not imagine life without his kids.  Kids may be the demise to more climbers than any other thing.  Many well known climbers such as Lynn Hill and Mr. Nimmer have not fallen into this Weak, but for us mortals it is a big one.  This fall when Rockman took an old man trip to the Gunks, Rockman's kids got the swine flu.  Rockman is still paying for that one.
Weak #10-TV-Jersy shore, CSI Miami, Castle, American Idol, Bachelor 2-elecric buggaloo,Survivor, Lost, Leno, 24's season premiere, the Tour De France, Desperate Housewives, the list of hours of lost climbing time can fill your 47" flat panel T.V. until your desire to do anything melts away into your fat rolls.  What would the Situation do?

Like any training strategy none of  these things done in isolation will get the results no climber desires.  Start putting one or two together and you will get some amazing results.  You will go from climbing 5.12 to 5.9 in a matter of Weeks (Weaks).  Rockman sees no change in his training stratigy anytime in the near future.   Rockman's only hope is JS has a new episode on Thursday.  Good Luck.

In the Spirit of Adventure,

Rockman